Many a time, when we get so good at doing something on a small scale, we are tempted to think that it will translate to a larger scale. This could lead to existential dread, for lack of a better word, and it seems that's exactly the phase I'm currently in.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved the idea of chronicling my thoughts. It has always felt easy to do because it is unplanned. The writing is simply a product of my thought process and not out of the desire to share content, if that makes any sense. As a result of that, I always felt like I had it in me to produce it at will, but oh boy, how wrong I was.
Now, after some encouragement from folks that regularly read those thoughts, however disjointed they may be sometimes, I thought it would be a good idea to chronicle them in a way that won't get lost, a format that will let me see the evolution of my thought process on the same subject and, most importantly, in a way that enables me to share with others in a more portable format. This sounded quite enticing to me, but it just revealed to me how out of my depth I can be. As a matter of fact, it has taken me almost two weeks to chronicle this. You know what, scrap that. I'm actually out of my depth trying to put this dilemma into words. I have indeed not felt this vulnerable in a long time, but this just reminds me of why I write in the first place: It is a product of thoughts that have sat with me for a very long time and not the fulfillment of some obligation. You only get to see the chronicles of yesterday's thoughts and not the fulfillment of today's duties, and that's what matters.
Perhaps being intentional about writing more often might open more avenues for this sort of expression and even improve my own creativity; that I do not know, but here's what I do know. At this point in time, I am way out of my depth. I am finding it increasingly difficult to find the right words to express the thoughts I even think. I do not know how much longer I will feel this sense of dread, but it sure seems like the only way out is through. Just thought I should let you know🙂.
Chronicles of Yimnai
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